


If Only...

by PetitePandaBear



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin is Unfaithful, F/M, Light Angst, Light Smut, One Shot, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:55:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28472724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetitePandaBear/pseuds/PetitePandaBear
Summary: Why did things always have to be so complicated? Why could love not be as simple and calm as the afternoon foam that brushed against the sand of gentle beaches? And why did it have to rain on the most beautiful of nights? You couldn’t sleep with the pounding of rain above you, interrupting every breath and hope of slumber. Despite the warmth of the bed beside you, you found yourself trapped in a restless state of exhaustion...
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Reader, Anakin Skywalker/Reader, Padmé Amidala & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	If Only...

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing smut, and I honestly have no idea what I'm doing. If you have any tips, I could really benefit from it! Also, I need writing inspiration, so requests are open! Message me on Tumblr @PetitePandaBear to make one :) Happy New Year, my loves!!

Why did things always have to be so complicated? Why could love not be as simple and calm as the afternoon foam that brushed against the sand of gentle beaches? And why did it have to rain on the most beautiful of nights? You couldn’t sleep with the pounding of rain above you, interrupting every breath and hope of slumber. Despite the warmth of the bed beside you, you found yourself trapped in a restless state of exhaustion. 

“Come back to bed,” your lover whispered as he planted a gentle kiss on your temple, his lips trailing to your earlobe which he took between his teeth and pinched delicately.

He was so...soft at times, which surprised you because he had no reservations when the two of you were together in bed. He was aggressive, commanding, passionate, and made your entire body shake in the most thrilling way. He breathed life into you, yet left you feeling breathless, he tore into you without mercy, yet kissed you so tenderly afterwards that all pain receded. His affection was one of anger, inescapable rage that hurt you, then reached out to hold you in a healing embrace. He was a dichotomy, and that was a terrifying truth.

“The rain’s loud,” you mumbled, unable to stop the smallest gasp from leaving your lips when the warmth of his tongue made contact with the sensitive skin of your neck.

“Good,” he replied between kisses to your jaw. “No one can hear us.”

You felt his strong arms wrap around you, his chest pressed against your back. His heartbeat was loud, comforting and rhythmic. It was a lullaby that you could never seem to fall asleep to. All the actions of love were there, the sweet manifestations, the confirming phrases whispered whenever you voiced your doubts, but the deeper more important aspects were nonexistent. 

You had tried to talk to him about it, but he refused to tell you of his life when he left your home. He became defensive when you asked, telling you that what he did didn’t matter, and that he only had eyes for you, but that the two of you could never be seen together in daylight. You weren’t stupid. You knew what that meant. 

Anakin was leading a dual life. He had you for the cold, lonely, needful nights, and he had another woman for the formalities of the morning. A sick feeling crept up your throat as you thought about the other woman, how she was probably left begging for her lover, thirsting for the attention he gave you. He was probably gentler with her, seeing her as human, as valuable, and not just an item to use to release his frustrations. 

“Come back to bed,” Anakin repeated, turning you to face him. “It’s cold out here.”

You stared at the man who towered over you, his hands running up and down your bare shoulders. His blue eyes had a hungry look in them, a need to devour something, to devour you.

“What if I like the cold,” you played along, hoping to spare yourself from the inevitable. 

You reached out to him, placing a hand on his bare chest, feeling his muscles quiver at your touch. You slid your palm up his warm body until your hand cupped his cheek, thumb brushing his bottom lip. At that moment you knew it wasn’t all a game to you. You loved him, and the reason you put up with what was going on was because you hoped he would change, choose you and fully dedicate himself to love only you. It was wishful thinking, but your heart was set on it, and that was enough to stay.

“Is everything alright,” Anakin placed his hand over yours. “You’re acting strange.”

“I’m just tired,” you smiled sadly.

“I guess you just want to fall asleep then?”

“I want to try,” you laughed dryly. “But the rain is loud tonight.”

Anakin ran his fingers through your hair and guided you toward the bedroom, his hand placed firmly on your back.

“What if we did a little something to distract you from the rain,” he whispered as he pulled your body into his, wrapping his warmth around you.

Before you had the chance to protest, he was kissing you again, desperation in his breath as his tongue fought for a place next to yours. You felt your senses numbing as you responded despite your exhaustion. Even after everything, you still wanted it, wanted him. You could feel his hand slip between your legs, his fingers working wonders, making your back arch with pleasure. You inhaled sharply at his touch.

“Do you want this,” he breathed into your ear.

Every muscle in your body was at his command, and while your brain screamed at you to say no, the only sound that left your lips was a pleased moan. You wanted this, and he knew it.

The world blurred together as you were sucked into a whirlpool of absolute pleasure interrupted only by the brief realization that Anakin had entered you, heat erupting between your legs. You gasped at his touch as he plunged into you with a vigorous need. You had one hand tangled in his hair, the other digging into his back. You wondered if the other girl did the same thing, clawing at his back when he thrusted. You wondered if she noticed the scratches you left, warning her of Anakin’s double life. You wondered if she asked him where they had come from, what he responded with, what lies he told her. How many of his words were lies? Between what he told you and what he told her, you wondered which of his words were merely echoes of sentiments meant for someone else. 

When Anakin had finished, he rolled over to his side and let out a deep breath. He had enjoyed himself.

“Feeling better,” he mumbled the question in your ear, drawing you close to him. “I did my best.”

You allowed yourself to relax in his embrace, taking in his scent. It was musky, with a hint of spice and pine, and something sharp like electricity. You could smell the leather of the glove he wore over his robotic hand to spare himself and others from the vision of such an appendage. He insisted on touching you with his other hand, claiming that it was more real that way, thinking that the leather wouldn’t please you as well. When you were in a good mood, you’d joke that if a droid could accomplish the same tasks a human could, his hand could surely perform just as well. He didn’t agree.

“A little,” you replied quietly, content to just lay in his arms and relax. That’s all you ever wanted.

“Just a little,” he grumbled playfully, burying his face in your hair. You could feel his warm breath on your skin. “But I did so much for you.”

“I know,” you turned toward him and planted a kiss on his parted lips. “And it was amazing. But I’m exhausted, and I...can you hold me? Just pull me close and fall asleep?”

“Shield you from the sound of the rain,” he asked, his voice low and deep.

“Yes,” you kissed him again, almost begging. “Please.”

Anakin chuckled and obliged. You turned, your back to him, and he wrapped his shape around yours, providing a surrounding warmth that pulled you into sleep. You fought it a little longer, because you knew he would be gone before you woke up in the morning, and you wished it could last forever. Then your world broke when he whispered the most unexpected words into your hair.

“I love you.”

All wisps of slumber were snuffed out and your eyes were held open wide with shock. Anakin had called you things like “darling” before, but never had he used the word love to you. It was something you thought you had a mutual understanding of. You were under the impression that the word was meant exclusively for the other woman, and you had accepted that. Hearing the three words escape his lips was troublesome, but it was not something you wanted to disturb just yet. He seemed at ease, relaxed, and that was not something you were able to observe often. Even when he was inside of you, there was tension in his gaze, as if the weight of the world were forever perched on his back. Tonight, you had seen no such look, but the aching desire to know was too much.

“What does that mean,” you turned abruptly, facing the man with determination on your brow.

“Excuse me,” he mumbled sleepily, his groggy blue eyes fluttering open.

“What do you mean by ‘I love you’,” you said again. “You’ve...never said you loved me before.”

“Of course I have, I told you two days ago over lunch,” he objected, propping himself up with his arm.

“Anakin,” you bit your lip. “We didn’t have lunch together two days ago.”

You could see an ashamed expression begin to overtake his features as the realization hit him. Now there was something he now knew that you knew, and you had questions. 

“She doesn’t know about us,” he swallowed. “I promise, I keep you very secret-”

“That you do,” you remarked. “You keep me secret from everyone. You sneak in here, you sneak out, we’ve never once been on a proper date because someone might see us and I don’t understand it at all! Why can’t we just be in love?”

“Because!”

The volume of his cry was unexpected and it left you with a chill.

“Because,” he repeated, gentler now. “I’m not even supposed to love.”

“What do you mean? Everyone deserves to love.”

He sighed and caressed your cheek, melancholy eyes imploring you to react kindly to whatever he was going to say next.

“I didn’t ever want you to find out,” he sighed. “I hoped that for once I could have something that existed outside of it all, away from the Order. I just wanted you to love me for who I am, well, I mean...who I am without the responsibilities”

“What are you going on about,” you frowned. “Why are you explaining things so cryptically?”

“I’m a Jedi,” he blurted. “And...Well, I’m sure you know what that means.”

“So you’ve been lying to me this whole time,” you swallowed the uneasy feeling of betrayal, your heart growing smaller and more confused.

“I haven’t been,” he protested. “I’m still the same person, I just...I wanted to live free from the Jedi Council and my Oath...I wanted to live with you. Don’t you understand that?”

You rolled onto your back and stared at the dark ceiling of your room. It was a lot to take in, learning of Anakin’s true position in life, and you weren’t sure how to move forward. Part of you blamed yourself for his falling away from such a solemn oath, but the more logical side was smart enough to spare yourself from fault. You hadn’t known anything, you had just fallen in love.

“Talk to me,” Anakin begged, placing his arm over your chest, looming over you. “Please.”

“I don’t know that you expect me to say,” you mumbled, staring into his eyes, seeing the fear in them plain as day. “It’s...a lot to take in.”

“But you understand,” he pressed. “You understand why I need this, you, us. I need to love. I can’t survive in the Order without it and I don’t understand how anyone can. Love is too precious a thing to give up forever.”

You felt sympathy clinging to your heart as he spoke. This was Anakin, your Anakin, and you wanted to understand him, to help him. 

“It’s possible to love too much.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean me,” you began. “And the other woman. You love us both yet dedicate yourself to neither. Why? How can you say that you love either of us when you aren’t willing to stick with just one.”

Anakin was silent for a moment, slowly leaning away from you so that he too was facing the ceiling.

“It’s more complicated than that,” he sighed. “I have...obligations to her.”

“And you don’t have obligations to me?”

“I do,” he protested. “It’s just...I just...She and I-”

“You’re married to her, and deep down you know you love her more,” you muttered. “That’s why you never stay.”

His silence was deafening.

“You can admit anything to me,” you whispered. “You know that.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You already have, Anakin,” you looked over to him, your eyes trailing the definition of his jaw. “I just want to hear it from your mouth.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say anything, don’t just lay there silently.”

“I’m thinking,” he snapped. “Give me some time to form my thoughts.”

“If you’re trying to think of the right way to tell me that I’ll never be good enough, save your breath.”

“I wasn’t-”

“Then what were you going to say?”

He stuttered, unable to speak.

“That’s what I thought,” you slid out of bed and wrapped your white night robe around your cold body. “I think...I think it’s time for you to leave, Anakin.”

“Are you kicking me out?”

“Were we ever really living together,” you quipped, unable to hide your bitterness. “It’s late and you should go home because...because we’re not together, and at the rate we’re going, we never will be.”

Saying those last words hurt, the phrase cutting your tongue just as much as it cut into Anakin’s heart.

“[Y/n], please,” he implored, moving briskly to your side, quick to place his hands on you. “Don’t do this.”

“Do I really have a choice,” you grabbed his shirt and flinched away from him, tossing the tunic into his arms. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I need something stable, something real, and that’s impossible with you. I thought you would leave her, you know. That you’d come to your senses and live up to the promises you made me so many times before. And now you finally tell me you love me _and_ drop the insane fact that you’re a Jedi! That’s two reasons why we’ll never work out.”

“I can make it work,” he begged, grabbing your wrist. “Please, I’ll have the power to protect you and Padmé, and I’ll always love you.”

“But you’ll never choose me over her.”

His lack of response was sufficient enough for you. You yanked your arm away and walked to the front door of your apartment, placing your hand on the control panel to make it slide open.

“I’m sorry, Anakin,” you sighed. “But I can’t do this anymore. It’s torture wanting you so badly but never being able to have all of you. I can’t share you with Padmé or the Jedi Order, and I know ultimatums are horrible things but...I won’t live this lie anymore, no matter how perfect it seems. It’s either a life with me, or a life with her and the Order.”

You held your breath, knowing that whatever he did next would determine the fate of your relationship. You saw the hesitation in his eyes, the pain flashing as he slipped his tunic on, properly dressing himself. 

“I understand,” he muttered, grabbing his shoes and pulling them on harshly. “Goodbye.”

Despite his angry demeanor, you could hear the break in his voice as he held back the very thing you fought to keep inside until he was well out of ear shot: tears.

“Goodbye,” you whispered to his broad shoulders as he walked away at a brisk pace. 

Your door slid shut, leaving you face to face with the cold metal. The reality of what had happened hit you, and you sank to the floor, letting a pool of water surround you as you cried in agony. You loved Anakin, cherished him, wanted to hold him for the rest of your life, and just like that he was gone. You felt regret simmering in your stomach, a cough erupting from your throat. But behind your sobs and gagging you felt some relief, some sense of peace and resolution. You were no longer the woman beautiful enough to fuck but not enough to marry. You were no longer the secret affair, holding a Jedi back from his true potential. You were free. Isn’t this what you wanted? What you had been yearning for all night?

You staggered onto your balcony, letting the rain mingle with your tears as you curled into a ball still struggling to breathe. The only remediation for the cold was the heat erupting from your chest, a feeling that made you want to shrink until you disappeared. Your whole body shook, as you gasped, attempting to calm yourself, but the only thing you could think of was him. You knew this was for the best, and you would be thankful for it later, but you couldn’t keep yourself from thinking about the words that would have spared you all this heartache.

_“I love you too.”_

  
  
  
  



End file.
